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the title alone should give you a HUGE hint as to what this post is about. the only reasons anyone should be confused is if 1. they don’t have a tv 2. you have severe memory problems (which then you’re like me) or 3. you don’t know how to read (that came out really harsh. but then again, you wouldn’t really know if you can’t read… which also makes me think why you’re here .. visuals?) 

i. LOVE. this commercial. i can’t remember a jingle that i’ve sung more than this (and enjoyed. hence $5 footlong is out). come on. it’s kind of nostalgic. billy bass, anyone? if you don’t know, it’s ok. it was probably the most useless thing ever. if you’ve received it as a gift, i’m sorry. 

so i’ve been singing this song non-stop. i’ve sung it so much one day that i got a fellow employee who never heard of the song, singing the song by the end of the day. except she only learned the first two lines because that’s the only line i actually remembered. i pretty made up my own rendition of the last two lines. something with hanging on the wall and being in a sandwich and not laughing.

well without further ado, the video (accompanied by lyrics so you don’t sound retarted like me.) and no need to thank me for all future ridicule and harassment coming your way.

 

Give me back that Filet O’ Fish
Give me that fish (ahhhhh)
Give me back that Filet O’ Fish
Give me that fish
What if it were YOU hanging up on this wall
If it were YOU in that sandwich you wouldn’t be laughing at aaaaaaaallllllllll
(whoooo)

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so i go through phases with phrases. say that 5 times fast. 

ok, it’s actually not that hard to say 5 times fast.  

i have several that i’ve been saying in place of actual sentences. and i have one that i’ve been saying every other sentence but it’s slowing dying out (by slowly dying out i mean i say it frequently but not every other sentence). this phrase is SUCK IT.  

i first picked it up from 30 rock (great show btw). and have been using it beyond its intended use. it’s a great phrase. you can use it for any moment. examples:  

in anger: 
joe: you smell! 
me: suck it!  

in jubilation: 
joe: damn, you’re right. 
me: whhattt! suuuuckkk ittttt!  

to quiet someone: 
joe: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah lbah balhhf;aliwheg;aoiwhga;owehasfasf
me: suck it  

as exclamation: 
(trash talk. ping pong match. win match.) 
me: SUCK IT!!  

in a sentence: 
me: you can suck it.  

so you can see WHY i’ve come to love this phrase. but i realize, i’m always surrounded by real adults. real working adults. who are in charge of my career. probably won’t understand my love for suck it. so with that i say:
so i was hanging out with fam yesterday. and i told them how i’ve drastically decreased my coffee intake. the main reason for this is because i’m trying to be less dependant on other things, mainly cigarettes, legal drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol (always a losing battle on weekends), etc. BUT i didn’t tell them that. instead, i gave them a more scientific answer from an authoritative source*.

that’s right. 3 cups a day has a major effect on your breasts. and every cup after that too. now if you know/seen me, i can’t afford to shrink my boobs. no back problems here! i’ll take all the boobies i can get. ..only to make mine bigger. i would totally post a pic of my boob area. but we don’t know each other that well yet. maybe after 150 posts. or 100 …

*what? yeah, it’s fox news. suck it. where are all my tri-state area fox 5 morning news people at?! mike woods, what! 

Saw this on the bus the other day. It made me wonder what “Ozzie” has been up to for the past 10 years….

So the other night, I was hanging out with a friend until the weeeeee hours of the morning (sorry guy). We’re watching tv and whatnot and he starts telling me how at some point (maybe 3am or something like that), an hour long program that sells knives comes on. An hour long program that sells knives at 3am EST.

He proceeds to tell me all types of knives that they sell like pocket knives, hunter knives, some Japanese swords, and they even sell you sets of 160 knives. They come in all sorts of sizes, colors, grips, cases, etc. etc.

I know, ridiculous. For two reasons:
1. Why is there an HOUR LONG knife show?
2. Why does he know all this stuff about an HOUR LONG knife show?

So time comes, and of course, there’s the program. And of course, I demand we watch the program (What? How can you not watch it now?) So we’re watching and of course the show is exactly how he explained it would be. EXCEPT it’s a lot more ridiculous.

First, imagine it being like an HSN segment except REALLY REALLY poor quality. I’m talking, the producer of the show found a video camera he bought in the 90s and thought, “awesome, I’m ready to make a show.”

Second, there are a RIDICULOUS amount of knives that are shown on that show. A ridiculous amount – which will be explained in the next point. Although this probably explains why the show’s using such a shiesty camera – they spent all their money buying knives.

Third, you only have 1 minute (maybe 2? I’m pretty sure it was 1) to call and purchase the item. And the order number isn’t simple. It’s like C302018i9a;h;aweigh;oi104y102y[. So imagine how many knives they went through. Yeah, a buttload. We actually called. It took about 50 seconds to get to an operator.

Fourth, in the background, the phones are ringing off the hook. I mean, non-stop as if this was some PBS telethon special with Kanye West, Bon Jovi (apparently England’s #3 Rock God), and other celebrities. Come on. It’s 3am. I know it isn’t live but seriously. That many people are buying knives right now? that many?

All in all, I’d say it’s a definite must see. At least once. I think the ridiculousness of the program itself is entertaining. And if you’re hanging out with my friend, a definite definite must watch. Because he apparently knows A LOT about knives.

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